My parents left this morning. My Mom had been here for a week helping me with the kiddos and keeping me from picking up things that weigh more then Phoebe. I guess you're not suppose to pick up heavy stuff after a major surgery. Something about large incisions or some such thing.
It was wonderful to have my Mom here. I wasn't sure how it would go honestly. See I am not very good at letting people help me do things. OK, I
totally suck at letting people help me. Its just easier to do it myself. I could pretend I don't want to be a burder, or that I am a fully capable individual but actually I am just selfish and lazy and don't want to put out the effort to let people do things the way they want to instead of doing it my way. My Mom, though, was a trooper. She dealt with my attitudes, and comments. She brought her game face and cleaned house, made lunches and held babies like a champ. Most importantly she blessed me numerous times in little and big ways. Simply by being here, loving on my kids and loving on me she gave glory to God and encouraged my heart.
But Dad missed her. So he came up and got her, taking her back to her reality and leaving me to mine. I've been thinking a lot about my reality the past few days. The beauty of nursing a new baby is you have lots of time to think and read and think some more. Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that I like my reality. I like it a lot. I especially like the part about how well I am know by God and how perfectly he has orchastrated my reality. He has given me exactly what I need to make it through each day and He set things in motion for my growth and change. He is not leaving me the way I am, but instead working with in me so that I might bring Him glory and so that I might be fully who He created me to be. He knows me that well.
There have been times when I have not liked my reality. Like today, after the parents had left, just before lunch when everyone went psycho and started crying at once and the thought wandered across my brain that this was completely out of control and I wondered what exactly I was doing here. The thought passed though and I found joy in the midst of peanut butter and jelly. But there have been seasons where reality was not something I enjoyed. I was blinded by the trials, focused on the "unanswered" prayers and confused by what I thought were my desires. The thing is though that My God knows me better than I know myself. He has seen my heart and still loves me. He sees past my bad moments and embraces my victories. And looking back I can see how He placed things in my life for a reason and that is what gives me hope for today. That is what brings joy to my reality.
The words of a song have been running through my mind today. They seem to fit with these jumbled thoughts. So at the risk of adding more randomness to this post I'll leave you with these words by Matt Redman.
"Even though I walk through
the valley
Of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle
Of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back,
I know You are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord,
You never let go of me"
